Weighing In on "Leaning In"

What can a white, middle aged, middle class man whose wife stayed home to raise their two kids possibly have to say about the controversial new book, Leaning In by Sheryl Sandberg? A few things:

1) For the sake of our daughters and their futures, we need this kind of discussion.

2) For the sake of our sons and their futures, we need this kind of discussion.

3) In this discussion, let's not forget our boys and our girls.  As followers of Jesus, one of our primary missions in life is to pour ourselves into the next generation; to be the best women, men, dads, moms, grandparents, Sunday school teachers, youth leaders, pastors, churches, we can be for our kids.  Each of us will come at that mission differently.  But for followers of Jesus, pouring ourselves into the next generation, providing guidance, support, love, and opportunities for them to be all God created them to be, is paramount.

4) The big question Sandberg's book is raising for women is this: Can women have it all and be it all?

How about this question instead for men and for women: Am I following Jesus, as a man or as a woman, into his vision for my life and into his Kingdom's cause?

By the way, a great book to read along with Leaning In is Roy Baumeister's book, Is There Anything Good About Men? Another controversial book that will stimulate a much needed discussion on the role of men--a discussion we need to have for the sake of our sons and daughters and their futures.

Hollywood and the Father Blessing

Last night Jan and I had a chance to catch up with some of our favorite shows.  So we plowed through three of them...and to my surprise, all three had to do with dads, their adult sons, and the father blessing.

The first show was Castle. Richard Castle grew up not knowing his father.  He knew nothing about him.  In the latest episode we found out why.  His dad is a spy for the US Government and, to protect his son, he needed to stay out of his life.  Their meeting was brief, but just as Castle was about to leave his dad, his dad blessed him, telling his son that he loved him and that he is proud of him.

The second show was White Collar.  Neil grew up without a dad.  He had been told that his dad was a dirty cop.  Last season, dad came back into his life.  Neil eventually discovered that his dad had been framed.  Now dad and son are trying to clear dad's name.  In one scene last night, Neil blows up at his dad for not being there for him.  As his dad is about to walk out the door, he tells Neil that he loves him and is proud of him.

The third show was Psych.  Shawn and his retired cop dad have a contentious relationship.  They truly love and respect each other but they don't often show it.  Part of the challenge is that they approach life so differently.  Last season ended with Shawn's dad being shot.  Last night, near the end of the episode, as Shawn sat by his now recuperating dad, dad told Shawn he loved him.

After watching one show after another with a climatic scene between dad and his adult son ending with the father blessing, I turned to my wife and said, "There must be a bunch of young adult men writing these shows, longing for a father blessing!"

In a world where 40% of boys grow up without dad in his life for a period of time, in a world where the majority of boys don't ever hear dad say, "I love you!  I'm proud of you!" these shows should not be surprising.

Let's change that storyline.  Lets empower dads to pour the blessing into their sons.  And for those sons without a dad, let's bless them in the name of the Father who loves them and is proud of them.

Managing the Power of Testosterone

A friend sent me a very well-written article by Linda Lewis Griffith, a marriage and family therapist.  Her article, published in the San Luis Obispo Tribune, focused on boys and violence, with the "teaser" paragraph stating the following: Most rough-and-tumble behavior is normal, but parents should keep an eye on out-of-hand aggression. 

Here are some helpful excerpts (you can access the full article at http://www.sanluisobispo.com/2013/01/29/2373554/violence-and-boys.html)

Little boys seem pre-programmed to behave in rough-and-tumble ways.  A five-year-old dreams of being a superhero and killing bad guys with his sword.  A preschooler pretends his carrot stick is a gun and points it at the child sitting next to him at snack time.

Experts generally agree these acts are the result of increased levels of testosterone.  Yes, they cause parents (especially moms) to cringe.  But they seldom indicate an underlying mental disorder.

In fact, they may be perfectly normal...

However, boys may be more sensitive than their sisters to the impact of witnessing violence...

She offers some great advice for molding and shaping the power of testosterone in boys (again, refer to her article for the full details):

*Understand that rough-and-tumble play is appropriate for boys.

*Encourage lots of outdoor time.

*Provide appropriate outlets for physical aggression.

*Seek male role models.

*Take strong stands against violence. (Michael Gurian is an advocate for appreciating the difference between testosterone-induced aggression and violence in boys.)

*Get professional help if you're concerned.

Boys are created in the Image of God male.  That includes testosterone.  As I've written many times, testosterone is the fuel of super-hero power.  As followers of Jesus, let's call our boys to use that power for his sake and under his power in order to change the world.

The Bias Against Testosterone

The “Bias” Against Testosterone (excerpted from Searching for Tom Sawyer: How Congregations and Parents Can Stop the Exodus of Boys from Church, due out Spring, 2013, Westbow Press)

            One afternoon I was at my granddaughter’s house. She was watching a cartoon designed for young preschool children. In each show, the cartoon teaches a lesson about getting along with others or about diversity. The main character is a girl and she has three male animal friends.

            In this particular episode one of the boys was acting like a boy. He was a bit rambunctious. He wanted to move…to play…to make noise. The other two boys were having nothing to do with it. Each time he splashed them or ran a circle around them, they would whine and say, “He’s being rough!”

            The girl character taught them a new song: Don’t be rough…be gentle. Each time the boy got rough (and he was never really rough, just a boy moving and playing) the other boys would whine, berate the “rough boy,” and sing the song, Don’t be rough…be gentle.

            The longer I watched, the more my testosterone began to boil! On so many levels this cartoon was teaching the wrong lesson. Rather than helping that boy harness his energy in appropriate ways, the lesson essentially said that boy behavior is always wrong. Never be rough. Always be gentle. Never once were the whining boys encouraged to stop their whining. Instead, their whining led to the rough boy being told to stop acting like a boy!

            That same bias against testosterone is practiced over and over again in subtle and not so subtle ways. Every time boys are made to sit quietly for extended periods of time and then reprimanded for moving they are being told that boy behavior is bad. After all, who is usually rewarded for the “good behavior of sitting still and listening?” Girls.

            Education and discipleship that favors sitting, listening, talking, relating, and emoting over action, building things, and moving subtly tells boys that there is something wrong with them.

            Jesus understood the power of testosterone to get things done. He was constantly on the move. He constantly taught his disciples on the fly. He would do something (heal the sick, fight a storm, cast out a demon, feed the hungry). Then he would ask the disciples to do it, too. Yes, there were times of teaching. And yes, testosterone-charged boys can sit and listen. But the primary way to engage them is through action-oriented learning—the kind Jesus used. (And remember, Jesus often taught his disciples as they were out walking.)

            The call to discipleship for boys is the call to harness the power of testosterone for the cause of Jesus. To forge and shape that testosterone energy for good, noble, grace-based purposes. To invite boys to utilize their “power” to join Jesus in building the Kingdom of God: a kingdom of grace, compassion, forgiveness, justice, and love. That happens when we call boys to follow Jesus; when we call them to an action-oriented form of discipleship.

A New Storyline for Boys in 2013

As the country tries to come to terms with yet another horrific story about boys (the rape case in Ohio), I want to pass along two quotes: One--a word of warning.  The other, a vision of hope:

The Warning: In his essay, "The Crisis of Manliness," Waller Newall laments, "As a culture we have never been more conflicted about what we mean by manhood."  Many of our men suffer from Flight Club syndrome.  Newell explains, "Under-fathered young men, many from broken homes, are prone to identify their maleness with aggression because they have no better model to go by...If young men are cut off from the positive tradition of manly pride their manliness will reemerge in crude and retrograde forms."  (The Book of Man, William J. Bennett, p. xxi)

A vision of hope: We need warriors today, not for fighting each other but for fighting hunger, discrimination, pollution, human slavery, and the abduction of children for soldiery, among many other conditions of human and animal suffering.  We need warriors who can battle congently and convincingly in boardrooms and in the media, in schools and courtrooms, in forgotten jail cells and in dusty fields long rendered infertile by poverty, pollution, or civil war.  And we need leaders among these warriors who can match the nuanced complexions of these kinds of battles with an incisive intelligence, stellar communication skills, and a talent for moving fluidly between competing perspectives and entities. (The Last Boys Picked: Helping Boys Who Don't Play Sports Survive Bullies and Boyhood, Janet Sasson Edgette adn Beth Margolis Rupp, p. 181)

That's a storyline Jesus can write on the hearts of our boys through you and me.

Another Shooting--Another Male Shooter

We're all reeling from yet another horrific massacre, once again perpetrated by a young man.  My friend, Michael Gurian, wrote some poignant words that I want to pass along, with one line I've highlighted:

It is difficult to put into words the sadness I feel for the people of Newtown, and the victims of the Sandy Hook tragedy. My team and I join with all of you in sending our thoughts and prayers to the families and community of Newtown. A civilization measures itself by how it cares for its children, and we can do better in that regard. I know our country will absolutely do better and do more in 2013. We are a caring and adaptable nation. So that these children do not die in vain, I hope we can come together to address issues of mental illness, school safety, and gun violence. Part of enhanced focus on these issues will need to be a renewed and expanded focus on the lives of boys. Male development needs to get to the front of national conversation, or we will lose more innocent children to violence. Thank you for all that you do to make the lives of children better in your communities. --Michael

I join Michael in his belief that we need to pour ourselves into our boys and men or we will continue to lose them to our churches, our institutions, our society, and our world.

Let's commit to rolling up our sleeves in 2013 and changing the story of boys by calling them to follow Jesus.

Does This Haunt You, too?

A quote from my friend, Michael Gurian's latest book, How Can I Help Him?

I have never forgotten a meeting I had with a Department of Justice executive. He was a therapist who had moved up the government administration hierarchy to a position near the top. When I asked him why hundreds of millions of dollars were being spent on positive and preventative girls' and womens' programming but little money on helping boys and men, he responded sheepishly, "Well, from the government's point of view, we already budget for boys and men--in our prison budgets." The irony and tragedy of the response continues to haunt me.

Does it haunt you, too?